


It's A Crazy Life

by tielan



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Ensemble - Freeform, Fourth Wall, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-12-09
Updated: 2001-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-22 20:37:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/242325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tielan/pseuds/tielan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The SGC sits down to watch their weekly episode of Stargate: SG-1.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's A Crazy Life

**Author's Note:**

> One of those things you write for a laugh! And Daniel gets to object to being whumped! Thanks be to jenni for beta-ing!

There’s a lot of shoving going on as the SGC crowds into the rec room. Most of the prime seats are already taken, and so fights are going on for floor space.

General Hammond looks at the melee and shakes his head. All this over a television program! Of course, when the television program is about your own SGC and a certain team within it…

Call it pure vanity, but the personnel of the SGC enjoy trying to spot themselves in the course of the show. Of course, he and Dr. Fraiser get a fair chunk of airtime – not quite as much as SG-1, of course, but then it is their show.

As usual, the Doc came prepared and managed to get the only couch in the room. She’s sharing it with Major Carter and Dr. Jackson, one on each side. Naturally, those three also have the popcorn and the chocolate that seem to be required consumption at these weekly viewings.

Somehow, Major Carter always manages to be the one in charge of handing out the chocolate. Sometimes he suspects that it’s how she keeps the rest of the SGC out of her hair. If you don’t leave her to her research in peace, you won’t get any chocolate when they’re watching Stargate SG-1. The exception seems to be Colonel O’Neill who can bother her just about any time of day and get away with it.

Maybe he should be worried about those two the way this show is depicting them. Nah. It’s just writers with over-active imaginations who don’t get laid often enough.

“Why does SG-1 get their own show?” Makepeace grumbled.

“‘Cos we’re cool and you’re not!” Jack taunts.

“It’s an ‘odd couple’ kind of thing,” Dr. Fraiser says, poking at Dr. Jackson to give her more room on the couch. “You wouldn’t expect the four of them to get along so well, but they do.”

“And we save the world while we’re at it!”

“Hah. Correct me if I’m wrong, Jack, but usually seems that Carter saves the world through one of her thingamabobsies, and the rest of you stand around and look pretty…”

“They’re ‘doohickeys’, Makepeace, get the terminology right!”

“Standing around and looking pretty must take a lot of effort for Colonel O’Neill, I’d imagine.”

“You’re just jealous ‘cos I get all this screen time with Major Carter and you’ve only been in two episodes.”

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

“Colonel O’Neill, Lieutenant Simmons, be quiet!”

“Yes, sir,” they chorus.

“Shhh, everyone, it’s started!”

They watch the opening sequence of the show.

“I do not like this episode.”

“Ummm…that’s probably because you get tortured in it, Teal’c.”

“That is correct, DanielJackson.”

“Well, we all have to watch the ones we don’t like much,” Jack comments. “I’m not real fond of that episode they call ‘Message in a Bottle’…”

“Yeah, well it’s better than ‘Shades of Grey’,” grumbles Colonel Makepeace. “I can’t believe they made me a traitor!”

“Rob is a traitor! Rob is a traitor!”

“Shut up, Davis. You needn’t look so smug about it. I’m sure that later on in the series your character will end up doing something stupid.”

“Nah. I’m just a minor character, Rob. And they need someone to liaise with the Pentagon, so they can’t get rid of me.”

“Will you guys shut up!” Dr. Fraiser snaps. “Or next time you come through the infirmary, I’ll use the _big_ needles.”

Makepeace shuts up. Davis doesn’t. “Well, _sorry_!” Davis sneers, secure in the knowledge that he doesn’t have to go through post-gate checkups with the Doc.

A piece of chocolate bounces off the Major Davis’ head, expertly aimed by Major Carter. “Shut-up, Davis. We’re trying to watch…”

“Well we’re onto the opening credits, so there’s nothing _to_ watch.” They don’t make Davis half as obnoxious in the show as he is in real life.

“Y’know, I wanna know where they found people who look so much like us,” muses Colonel O’Neill. “This Richard Dean Anderson guy could pass for me in a breeze.”

“As long as he didn’t have to haul Jackson’s ass out of trouble the way you always have to,” Makepeace comments. “Otherwise he’d probably be stuffed.”

“Well he doesn’t have to haul _Daniel_ out of trouble,” Major Carter points out. “He only has to get Michael Shanks out of the simulated situations that the writers put the character of Daniel in.”

There’s a moment of silence while people digest this.

“I’m curious, Carter. Do you give Amanda Tapping lessons on how to talk like you?”

“She did ask, sir.” A little smile appears on her face, “And her husband is pretty yummy.”

“Same taste in men, huh? Do you think she’d like me, then?”

The Major smiles sweetly, “She did say that Richard is a lovely guy, but _definitely_ not her type.”

“Pity.” The pair grin at each other. Hmm. Maybe he should be worried after all.

Dr. Jackson leans over Dr. Fraiser and pokes Major Carter. “Credits are over, guys. Shut up!”

The next fifteen minutes are punctuated by the occasional comment from the two Colonels.

“Imagine leaving me behind on a mission this important!” Jack snorts as Carmen Arganziano’s Jacob hurriedly includes Anderson’s Jack on the mission. Arganziano even manages Jacob’s dry wit perfectly. The actors really do have an uncanny resemblance to the actual SGC personnel, the General muses from his chair. He could probably use Don S. Davis very effectively as a shaving mirror. Although, the first time he saw the show, he couldn’t believe he actually sounded like that! Teal’c assured him that hearing Christopher Judge speaking brought the same shock to him the first time.

“Awww…how cute!” coos Ferretti as Anderson’s Jack pushes the glasses of Shanks’ Daniel back up his nose.

Jack jostles Ferretti, causing a popcorn overflow and protests from those squished in on the floor.

“ _Is_ there actually a ‘Beck’s Ancient Phoenician Symbolisms’ for CD-rom?” inquires Sergeant Siler curiously as people scramble around tossing handfuls of popcorn at each other.

“I haven’t found it yet,” Dr. Jackson shrugs. “But you gotta admit it’s a good line! Hey, quiet on the floor down there!”

The silence lasts only a minute before Colonel O’Neill is back in commentary mode. “We really should get Carter to backwards engineer one of those cloaking devices.”

“Jack, shut- _up_!”

Later on in the show, “You know I’m really tired of how they keep bringing Apophis back. I’m so glad that we got him properly dead the first time. None of this ‘gone again, back again’ stuff.”

“Colonel, be quiet.”

“Yes, sir.”

Next offender is Doc Fraiser.

“They’re really into this Jack-and-Sam romance thing aren’t they? I mean look how close RDA is kneeling next to Amanda Tapping!”

“Don’t go giving them ideas, Doc!”

“Too late for that!” Jack grins up at his 2IC who sticks her tongue out at him. “What’re you doing later tonight, Major?”

“I had a date with that device SG-14 brought back from P5Z-993, actually, sir. But I might be free later on in the week. You’ll have to ask the General for permission, though!”

“Sir?”

“I can safely say that whatever night of the week you ask Major Carter for a date, Colonel, she will have a prior engagement.”

“Damn.” He grins, but without any disappointment.

The show goes on.

“Oooh, good save, sir!”

“Note how he holds onto her longer than strictly necessary?” Siler points out and gets a nudge from Major Carter’s toe.

“Come _on_ , guys!” Major Carter is evidently reaching the end of her tether. “It’s just a show! _And_ it’s got the disclaimer at the end: ‘Events, characters, and firms depicted in this motion picture are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons living or dead or to actual firms is purely coincidental’.”

“That doesn’t mean there can’t _be_ a resemblance to real people – only that any such resemblance is purely coincidental.”

The Major glares at him: “I hope you get ‘whumped’ in next week’s episode, Daniel!”

“Now that’s harsh,” sighs the Doc. “And Teryl Rothery will have to patch him up again…”

“Hmmm…looks like next week’s episode is called ‘The Curse’,” Makepeace remarks as he pores over the programming guide. “And…hey…looks like your number’s up, Major! Danny-boy gets whumped again!”

“Give me that!” Dr. Jackson plucks the guide out of the Colonel’s hands and skims over it. “It doesn’t say anything about me getting whumped! My old archaeology professor dies…and we get a new Goa’uld…”

“Oh, Daniel’s in for a whumping!”

“A new Goa’uld and Daniel? It’s gotta be the ribbon device!”

“Danny-whumping! Woo-hoo!”

“Do I have a sign on my back saying ‘Please whump me’ or something? What do the writers think they’re doing?”

“They’re just giving the crowd what they want, Jackson. No harm in it.”

“I wonder if I wrote to Michael Shanks would he protest on my behalf? No more Danny-whumping!”

“Shhh! I’m about to get to fly this thing!” The Colonel stretches his arms up in the air, “Woo-hoo! Go me!” The man is all of eight years old.

A toe lands expertly in his ribs, crumpling him up and he glares at Dr. Jackson. “For that, I wish upon you not just a whumping in the next episode, but one in the episode _after_ that!”

“Ooooh, I’m terrified, Jack!”

“And another one in the episode after _that_!”

“O’Neill. DanielJackson. You are disturbing the viewing pleasure of others here. If you will not be quiet for others, I shall have to remove you from this room.”

Nothing restores order quite like a perfectly calm statement from a six-foot-four Jaffa. Naturally, the Colonel has to have the last word, though.

“I thought you didn’t like this episode, Teal’c.”

“Not liking the episode does not mean that I enjoy the interruptions to my viewing.”

“Oh.”

The show continues.

As the Goa’uld torturer gets dragged into the presence of the infuriated Apophis, a cheer rents the air. “Take _that_ Apophis!” Once again, it’s Colonel O’Neill.

They watch in horror as Apophis reveals his cloaked fleet.

“Hey, where’d he get the cloaking device from?”

“If you remember, Jack, he stole the idea from the Nox kid – what’s his name?”

“Aww, that was way back in Season One. They took _three seasons_ to bring that thread back?”

“Nobody ever accused the writers of writing _good_ stories, sir.” Major Carter observes as the credits begin to roll and they display the next week’s episode. Sure enough, it looks like Dr. Jackson gets the business end of a ribbon device.

“Just a lot of Danny-whumping.,” Dr. Fraiser smirks and earns a nudge from the archaeologist in question.

“Which is a good story in and of itself! Daniel tries to be friendly. Daniel gets whumped. We go in and save the day!”

“I want a Jack-whumping episode,” Dr. Jackson complains. “Just one! Where Jack seriously ends up whumped.”

“‘The Fifth Race’.”

“He saves Sam and Teal’c and everyone else! Not comparable to what I’ve been through – remember ‘Legacy’?”

“He ends up dead in ‘There But For The Grace of God’.”

“I would never shoot Colonel O’Neill.”

“Not even if he nuked the planet where Drey’ac and Rya’c were?” Makepeace asks curiously.

“O’Neill would never do such a thing.”

“But if he did?”

“Hey, what about ‘Solitudes’?” Someone chimes in from the side.

Dr. Jackson frowns, “Remind me which one that is?”

“Antarctica, the second Stargate…”

“…and the sidearm!” Half the room choruses amidst laughter and giggles.

Both Colonel O’Neill and his 2IC flush in their respective seats.

“And you save us from an icy death, Daniel,” adds the Major, ignoring the giggles. “So you’re the hero of the piece!”

He sniffs, “Passable. I suppose. They’ll have to do better than that later on in the series though. I’m tired of being whumped. It’s just plain painful to watch.”

More people are getting up to go back to their work, when Major Ferretti clears his throat: “Did you know they actually have a _convention_ dedicated to Stargate SG-1?”

“What, like Star Trek?”

“Yeah, but without the Klingons.”

“How come they never ask us to attend?”

“Hey, we should find out when the next convention is on and gatecrash!”

There’s a moment of silence, “You do mean ‘butt into the party’, don’t you, Davis? Not _Gate_ -gatecrash?”

“Well, duh, Jack! A Stargate won’t work from Earth to Earth…”

“Maybe we could swap our Stargate for the one they’ll have on stage…after going off-planet, dial home, and whalla! Instant convention appearance!”

“Too complex, Makepeace.” Jack drawls, “Besides which we’d have security problems with a Stargate just hanging around the place. Hey, I know, the transporter rings! We go up in a cloaked Tok’ra ship – maybe your Dad would lend us his, Carter – over the convention centre, and beam ourselves in!”

“And then get arrested for not having tickets,” Doc Fraiser points out practically.

People begin to file out of the room and head off to their evening pursuits.

“We need tickets to go to a convention about _us_?” Siler demands.

“I’d imagine so. We’re not the guests of honour, you see.”

Major Carter eyes the doctor suspiciously, “Have you been to one of these conventions before?”

“My ex-husband was into them,” the Doc grimaces. “I allowed myself to be dragged along to a convention for Star Trek and thought it the most boring thing alive. A lot of people wandering around in rubber latex and spandex suits and pretending to be people from off the Enterprise.”

“So…we’d end up with a lot of people pretending to be Jaffas and various members of the military?”

“Probably a few aliens, and some Goa’uld look-alikes, too.”

“Did you know they have a look-alike contest?”

“No way!”

“Awww… we gotta go next convention!”

He decides it’s time to intercede. “Out of the question, Colonel Makepeace. Do you realise what kind of a security risk that convention would represent?”

“I was hoping you wouldn’t notice, General.”

“Unfortunately for you, Colonel, I did. No Stargate conventions in your future.”

“Besides,” Davis adds as he goes out the door, “You’d get booed off the stage, Rob – you’re the bad guy, remember?”

Makepeace follows after him. “At least I’m not some namby-pamby Pentagon liaison who only ever…” Their voices fade into the distance.

In twos and threes, the other personnel leave, most of them discussing various pros and cons of turning up to such a convention, and the things that they’d do and say.

Last out the door is Colonel O’Neill and Major Carter.

“A Stargate SG-1 Convention,” the Major shakes her head in disbelief. “It’s amazing what crazy ideas people think up.”

Jack snorts, “It’s amazing that they enjoy the show enough to come along to the convention, Carter!”

“Lunatic fringe, sir.”

He grins. They’ve both seen that episode before.

“Although it _is_ a pity we couldn’t turn up…” The General allows a smile to cross his face at the thought of appearing on stage via the transporter rings.

“I bet we’d win the best character look-alikes!” Jack grins.

“I think there’s probably some rule against entering a look-alike contest where the person you’re supposed to look like is you, sir.”

“Awww, Carter, don’t spoil my fun.”

“Good-night, sir.” She addresses the General, before she rolls her eyes as the Colonel holds the door open for her.

“Don’t roll your eyes at your commanding officer.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And don’t sound like you’re humouring me.”

“Yes, sir.”

Their voices recede down the corridor.

“And don’t just say ‘yes, sir’ when I give you an order.”

“No, sir.”

“Does that means you won’t say ‘yes, sir’ when I give you an order or you will?”

“Sir?”

“Yes, Major?”

The lift ‘dings’ to take them to the living quarters and he hears the elevator doors roll open.

“With all due respect, sir… Shut up!”

“Yes, Carter.”

The doors slide shut.

General Hammond shakes his head.

It’s a crazy life.


End file.
